Hope
by hummerhouse
Summary: How two brothers deal with changing feelings. One shot. Contains turtlecest. Written as a gift fic babygirl127. The TMNT are not mine, not money being made. Raph/Don


There's lots of things ya' don't bother hoping for when you're a mutant turtle. Ya' start realizing that at a pretty early age, when you're looking up through the grates of the filthy sewer tunnels ya' call home into the brightness of the human world.

Knowing we got dealt a bad hand in the card game of life didn't do much for my disposition growing up. I felt like the word 'fair' got purposely left out of our vocabulary and it made me pretty angry. 'Course Donny says everything makes me angry and he's right. He always is.

Or maybe I should say he always was, 'cause though everything used to make me angry, that ain't how it is anymore. Now there's things that just make me feel confused. I don't know, maybe angry was better, at least then I knew what the shell was going on in my head.

Hope is a big word. It don't have a lot of letters and it's only one syllable, but it's damn big in spite of that. Just like being brave don't just mean how willing ya' are to use your fists in a fight.

Don showed me that. He almost always tries to talk first, to make sure that a fight is even necessary. Saves on a lot of misunderstandings. Like that time we met Jhanna. Seemed to me she was just a vicious warrior chick ready to take our heads off, but Don put away his weapon and walked right up to her. The Brainiac's got guts.

It's that thing of his about putting other people first, about thinking of other's needs before his own. Don's been like that his whole life. If it wasn't for him, I ain't sure we would have made it. Sure, Master Splinter kept us hidden, kept us fed, but we needed more than he could give us as we got bigger. Don saw to it that we had clean water, lights, heat and a security system that was more than some tin cans strung together.

Don gave us little luxuries too. I probably would have gone shit house mad from the boredom of being trapped underground if it wasn't for him. That very first television he repaired gave me access to the outside world and to sports, which he enjoys watching with me. A football game is a lot more fun to watch when there's someone sharing the experience with ya'.

The gaming system Don set up keeps Mikey off my shell too. A bored Mikey ain't a good thing. Don reminds me of that whenever I start getting pissed that Mikey's goofing off instead of helping with chores. He also built Mike a flying skateboard to keep the twerp entertained, but he built me a motorcycle to give me some freedom. Don knew I needed that 'cause he understands me.

If it sounds like I spend a lot of time thinking about Donatello it's probably because I do. I started realizing that not too long ago. He's in my head when I wake up in the morning and he's the last thought in my noggin as I fall asleep. If we leave the lair, he's the brother I try to stay near. I tell myself it's 'cause he gets distracted by shiny stuff and needs me to watch his shell. He's even said that before and instead of getting mad, I got a funny tingling sensation in my chest. Ain't that goofy?

When I think about my brothers and about who it is I want to hang with, it's always Donny. Mike, he don't take things seriously enough sometimes and that's irritating. Old Fearless Leo, well, he takes everything too seriously and that's frustrating. Donny is solid as a rock, always on an even keel, always calm against the storm. He keeps me grounded.

Lately I've started getting all kinds of odd feelings in my gut whenever he's around. Whenever he looks at me with those gentle brown eyes I feel like I'm falling right into them. A smile from Don gets my heart racing. I like when we're alone and he starts talking about stuff, even stuff I don't understand, 'cause his voice soothes something deep inside of me.

I've even been having fantasies about doing things with him that brothers don't do, things that belong solidly in the lovers' camp. Maybe that's nuts, but ya' know what? We're turtles, we're mutants, and we're the only ones of our kind.

I looked up the word hope not too long ago. The dictionary said it's a feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. That when used with an object, it's something to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. I don't think of Donny as an object, but I sure as shell look at him with desire.

For me, feeling like something I want can be had means action. It means I find a way to make it happen. Donny said earlier today that he needed me to help him on a supply run and I'm gonna make my move while we're alone. If he shoots me down at least I'll know where I stand. I'm banking on it that he doesn't scorn my feelings. Maybe it's just me going with my gut again, but somehow I think we're on the same wavelength here.

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There isn't much I wouldn't do for my family. They are everything to me. All I have and all I've ever wanted.

I've often wondered how it happened that I mutated into a being with such a high intelligence quotient. Perhaps every living thing has its own unique proclivities and this mental acumen was naturally mine.

Even as a tot I had a longing to learn that far outdistanced that of my siblings. I was curious about everything. Walking through the sewers with my family, trying to gather the supplies we needed to survive, part of my mind would see junk and wonder how it came to be in the sewers. Then I would wonder what it was, where it came from, who made it; heck, dozens of questions that filled me with an almost insatiable curiosity. My family saw trash, I saw treasure.

Through the years Raph has teased me about the stuff I bring home, but he always helps me haul those things around. He calls me a lot of pet names; Brainiac, Einstein, Slick, Techno Geek, Big Brain Donny, but it's when he says 'Don, you are the turtle' that I swell up with pride. Not that I mind the other nicknames, I'm actually secretly pleased that they're all so complimentary.

Sometimes Raph fusses at me, but never in actual anger. I've seen him lose it with Mikey, pretty badly once, and he and Leo go at it with an intensity that's frightening at times, but Raph hasn't ever gotten mad at me. When I have free time, I like hanging with him. We share a lot of the same interests, more than we do with either Mike or Leo.

In all honesty, it's Raph who has the ability to pull me away from my projects and into the real world. And those times when I'm so into something that I become a little obsessive, he's the one who points out that I haven't slept or eaten. Raph lives in the now and he's the one who reminds me of the fact that it's where I'm supposed to be living too.

I often find myself wanting to do things for him. Special things. Anything to get a smile out of him. His smile makes me feel warm all over. When his eyes light up because of something I've done, I feel like I've just won a Nobel Prize.

By some strange cosmic luck the four of us were mutated from common turtles into what we are today. Maybe it wasn't luck, maybe it was Fate. Master Splinter speaks of it often when we contemplate our beginnings. He says it was our Destiny to be dropped into the sewers and splattered by an alien ooze, and that he was the one to come along to find us and in turn be mutated. He says it was a predetermined course of events because of how he was linked to Master Yoshi and so was the ooze that changed all of our lives.

It's hard for the scientist in me to come to grips with the concept of Fate because it isn't something I can quantify. I have to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and though that reason may not be readily discernable, it doesn't make it any less valid.

Funnily enough, it's something that Raph and I have talked about. He's so much smarter than anyone else gives him credit for. I think he teases me about my brain because he too is so intelligent. We talk about all sorts of things when it's just the two of us. As we've gotten older, I find myself longing for those times when it is just the two of us.

Trust is a word that gets bandied about by humans in such a way that I often wonder if they truly know what it means. Most probably don't understand the depth of faith, the belief in something as true, the hope that the word trust engenders. My brothers and I have that in each other. Not only has it been drilled into us by Master Splinter from an early age, but it's also a profound part of our very nature.

There's more to what I have with Raphael than simple trust though. I have an innate confidence in him, a certitude that transcends expectations. When we are fighting for our lives I know that any time I have to turn my back to work some tech magic, Raph will be there to watch it for me. That confidence in him allows me to focus completely on my task. It takes the pressure off of me so that I can find a way to save our lives.

I've found myself lately thinking a lot about my preferences for Raph's company. Or maybe if I'm honest I should say that I often long for his companionship. Normally the only daydreaming I do is about my next scientific breakthrough, but that isn't the case anymore. Now I often become lost in reveries about exploring something physical with him. It excites me more than I ever thought possible. Or that I ever hoped for, considering our unique position in life.

Being of a scientific turn of mind it's part of my character to experiment, to jump in with both feet in trying to understand something. I can't just sit here wondering about my changing feelings for Raph, I have to explore them. I've asked Raph to go with me on a supply run later because I want to be alone with him. I'm going to straight out say what's on my mind and hope that he sticks around long enough to hear me all of the way through. I think he will because Raph isn't the kind to run away from things. I've always loved that about him.

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It's time to go and there's Donny waiting for me with a big old smile. Damn, I've got butterflies in my stomach that I ain't ever felt before. It's all I can do to keep my hands to myself and just climb into the van with him. Making small talk until we're far away from the lair is gonna be a bitch, but if things go right, tonight is going to change my life forever in the best possible way.

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I'm trying to concentrate on driving, but my whole body is hyper-aware of Raph sitting next to me. This must be what it feels like to have electricity running through your body, I'm amped up and buzzing all over. As good as I am with words, I hope I can find the right ones to explain how I feel.

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The whole world just turned right-side-up for the first time in my life. Donny loves me! Donny friggin' kissed me! Holy shit, this is the best night of my life!

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Raph loves me, he really loves me! I always knew he was passionate, but that kiss! I don't think my feet are even touching the ground anymore.

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Lying together in the back of the van, holding each other tightly, the pair thought about their new found love. It was everything they could have longed for and more. It was their future. It was what hope turned into when one never gave up.


End file.
